the whirlwind that has been the past two days culminated last night at 1135 pm. when the family had decided to stop my grandma’s tube feeding on friday and put her under hospice care, we thought it would take at least a week before she passed. imagine our surprise, a family in the nursing field who knows exactly how this process is supposed to play out, when we find that it’s only saturday night and we get a call saying she won’t make it through the weekend.
so the family, including the children and grandchildren and son-in-laws and daughter-in-laws all make their way to my nanay’s private room at the nursing home.
and i was torn between the clinical aspect of dying - from observing the cold skin, the pallor, the mottled extremities, the irregular respirations, and the barely palpable pulses - and the fact that this wasn’t any other patient. this was my grandma. someone who brought life to my dad and subsequently, me. someone who took care of me when i first came the united states. someone i watched get changed by a ruthless disease.
many moments stuck in my mind from the events of last night. the way that my grandpa in the philippines talked to my grandma over the phone and after over 50 years of marriage, he told his one and only love to let go. the way we all stood around as she was given her last dose of morphine, saying our final goodbyes, asking forgiveness for some, and telling her to watch over us. and the way she took her last breath surrounded by us all.
i’ve never known what it meant to have a “beautiful death.” never really pictured what that meant. because the deaths that i’m familiar with in the hospital setting, in the ICUs have all been a messy ordeal. but, this, this was beautiful and peaceful and right.
i am sad. of course i am sad. but, i can’t help but be happy that her pain and suffering is over.
so, this is for my nanay. thank you, for everything. be at peace ♥
i’m taking a bereavement break from work this week. three days. i was supposed to work today but i just couldn’t do it. not just because i was dead tired and distracted but also because i felt that it would be a disrespect to the memory of my nanay - to move on the next day as if nothing had happened.
so, i’m taking the week off, spending it praying with my family, and honoring the memory of the matriarch of the family. the viewing will be held on thursday and friday, with the burial on saturday.
updates as they come.