but at least two very interesting lectures - death and dying in pediatrics and HIV/AIDS in epidemiology. now off to study my life away for fetal heart monitoring test tomorrow (which i’m missing my induction for Phi Kappa Phi for; well, that and Research extra credit)
fitting, i think (in consideration with the theme of the night)
cause whats left to lose i’ve done enough and if i fail, well then i fail, but i gave it a shot and these last three years, i know they’ve been hard but now its time to get out of the desert and into the sun
if i wish you would have gotten anything out of my last post, it was that you shouldn’t compare yourself to anyone. i’ve almost destroyed myself trying to compare myself to other people and it’s just not worth it. it took me a while (and it’s still a process i’m going through) to get there but i hope you will soon.
and another thing i’ve learned this week is that you have to follow your dreams and goals. it doesn’t matter how long it takes and it doesn’t matter how many people try to bring you down. you’re doing this for you and, ultimately, that’s all that matters.
screw everyone else.
(also, i’m talking to jeseline about my week and your post and she said “wait, did i write that?” HAHA)
(i don’t expect anyone to read the entirety of this. i don’t really care either way. this was for me - for me to sort out my doubts and disappointments and the chaotic disarray that my mind has been in the past week. and i think this has helped, if anything to acknowledge these feelings.)
(because i’m still on the mindset of the future and what’s propelling me there; of mistakes i’ve made along the way; of regrets i’ve had; and, ultimately, of wondering what all of this means.)
direct latin translation - with highest honor
college for me wasn’t like high school. high school was always about graduating in the top of my class, participating in as many clubs as possible, balancing my social life with my extracurriculars and academics. it was always about aiming for the top. and in lots of ways, i did. this was what my high school resume looked like:
- Cumulative GPA: 4.4 on the college scale, 4.7 on the valedictorian/salutatorian scale. - Rank: Top 5 - Full Diploma International Baccalaureate (meaning every class i took besides ASB junior and senior year was an honors class and was on the 5.0 scale; i had to write a 4,000 word essay; and complete 150 hours of community service in the fields of creativity, action, and service)
- ASB commissioner of arts and publicity (jr. year & one of only two juniors in a senior filled cabinet) - ASB head commissioner of arts and publicity (sr. year) - APSA member - Assistant Editor of Literature in IMAGES literary/art magazine - Varsity Academic league - Varsity Tennis team - Academic Decathlon - PUENTE
AWARDS & HONORS:
- 3 time winner of Essay-Writing week - ASB service award - International Baccalaureate Full Diploma recipient - Yearbook Superlative: Most Likely to Succeed - Karangalang scholarship recipient - PUENTE leadership symposium speaker - President’s Scholarship Award - California Scholarship Federation
i was absolutely perfect on paper. i was the college admissions poster child. it was possible, as illustrated by some of my International Baccalaureate classmates, for me to get into the best colleges in California and possibly even Ivy Leagues.
and yet i was denied the honor of giving a speech at graduation. i was happy for my good friends that did get to and know that they deserved it but i felt that my high school career was kind of wasted because i failed at my ultimate goal.
it has always been like that for me - always just “second best”. good but just not quite “there.” there was always and will always be a bitter memory about this. always going to sting a bit (maybe more than a bit)
so like i said, college for me wasn’t like high school. i told myself i was through with all that crap and was determined just to focus on my academics - focus on getting into the School of Nursing and focus on graduating and getting a job. i didn’t join any clubs or extracurriculars and just became another person in the background.
it had never really been about trying to be the best. i never had the desire to be better than everyone else. i had my own values and beliefs. i was never pushed by anyone except myself. i worked hard and was determined to get to where i wanted.
but, it’s almost senior year and that means that the possibility of graduating with “the highest honor” is possible again. but, i’ve seen this shit played out already. and it very nearly destroyed me. and i can see the pattern happening again (like not being satisfied with an A- on an exam). i can’t help feeling this way. and i haven’t felt this way in a very long time. it’s making me angry at myself for repeating these old habits.
i ran into this article today and i think it shows exactly what i am trying to say:
That diploma with its tiny inscription publicly acknowledging my perfection had the last laugh. I worked so hard for it and it destroyed me; now I didn’t even want it. I wasn’t perfect, and I let my own quest to graduate summa cum laude destroy my health, my confidence and emotional well-being.
i am glad to have recognized this pattern before entering senior year. i’m not going to let this destroy me again. i’m going to do my best and i’m going to be proud of what i’ve done. i’m not going to compare myself to anyone else anymore.
when i get my diploma in approximately 12 months from now, i’m going to be happy. i’m not going to have any regrets. i’m going to look out into the crowd and think “I did it. I did it.”
last week sucked for a variety of reasons that i'm not going to discuss.
but friday was pretty great. i was on labor and delivery for the first time this semester (when everyone else had already finished their rotation). i was worried that (just my luck, as usual), i would be the only one who wouldn’t see a delivery. but, my patient went into delivery as soon as we got into the room and the baby was out and crying in literally seven minutes.
it was amazing. it was miraculous. it is something that has to be seen to appreciate the beauty of.
and then, the other highlight of my day was talking with a CRNA and an SRNA while they were giving my friend’s patient an epidural. it was just so revitalizing and reassuring in such a week where i was doubting everything about my future.
and after spending all day yesterday looking at possible opportunities for myself, i fully realized how many dreams i have in terms of my future profession. i am interested in so many different fields and maybe my desire to want to do it all is really confusing my parents and friends but that’s ok because dreams exist for a reason. &, for me, they currently are:
- Work on the Infectious Disease Unit & with HIV/AIDS patients at UCSD Medical Center. - Go to the Kaiser Permanente School of Anesthesia to become a CRNA - Work for Doctors Without Borders (or some other similar organization) providing medical and nursing care to underprivileged populations in developing countries. - Work for the Mayo Clinic in Rochester, MN in any one of their world-renowned departments.
i know that this last week hasn’t been the most positive in terms of career aspirations. but, damn it, i’ll get there some day. because i’m vladimir and i’ve been brought down lots of time before and i’m still here, excelling.
“You know what I think about portable vibrators. I think it’s just an excuse for people to be horny at random moments. it’s scary, you never know who can get a hold of one of those. Next thing you know portable blow up beds on your effing key chain so you can have sex in the middle of the street or sidewalk….there will be too many fucking babies, technologly makes people forget about the more imporatant things like safe sex, those bastards. That will be the day when I see a condom hanging from a key chain. NO, I’m not crazy.”—Bernie’s rant on sexual deviants (my myspace circa Nov. 2006)
Anne is a coconut - white on the inside, brown on the outside. Jenny is a twinkie - white on the inside, yellow on the outside. Jenny’s BF is an egg - yellow on the inside, white on the outside. Sian is just tae - brown inside and out.
(random note: Cassie wants to be a pineapple but Sian thinks she should be a mango because she has nice skin)
(also, on animal personalities - I am an owl, Sian is a koala bear, and Cassie is a parrot, whether she likes it or not)
today was a great end to an otherwise lackluster week. even though my day started when i woke up at 10:45 and literally jumped out of bed to make it to my 11:20 lecture on time, it got progressively better.
i don’t think i got anything out of today’s research and peds lecture because i pretty much spent the class period on facebook (with kathrina trying to convince me to turn my laptop towards her and take a video/photo) and tumblr.
i did, however, pay attention in my epidemiology class because we just started the unit on infectious diseases and i am more than pumped.
i got out of class and met up with miss jenny, miss anne, miss cassie, and mr. sian to grab cupcakes at babycakes in hillcrest. i had a red velvet and an iced mocha.
now, i am sitting in bed contemplating on buying a desk and where i would put it and looking forward to our furlough day from balboa tomorrow.
“If you have love in your life it can make up for a great many things you lack. If you don’t have it, no matter what else there is, it’s not enough.”—Ann Landers (via justbesplendid) (via quote-book) (via lovebot)
to make up for my last pediatrics exam which i was not very proud of. now, i just have tomorrow’s simulation lab for peds, midterm #2 for public health, and thursday’s epidemiology quiz and i’ll be home free for the weekend.
i don’t need to see the world. if i had the choice between seeing the world and spending my entire life in some small town with you there with me, well, screw paris and london and italy and sydney and africa and santorini and every other fucking place on the map.