(ok. so, here’s the deal. i was attempting to write some sort of eloquent goodbye to 2008 but i fucked up. i refreshed. lost everything. unfortunately, whatever follows is just some facsimile of what i was attempting to convey)
& NOW WE’RE BACK TO THE BEGINNING
as i say goodbye to 2008, i’m surrounded by the amazing and the not-so-amazing events and memories of the previous 366 days (we have february 29th to thank for that). i came into the new year on a high - riding the wave of post-first semester college. i looked forward to a year of challenges and meeting those challenges head-on with as much determination and strength i could muster.
i told myself my main goal was to stop being so withdrawn - that it was time to let more people in and let out long-bottled emotions. the thing is, i underestimated myself. i’m, well… complicated. i could not let go of certain thoughts and feelings without learning and understanding what they meant to me. i guess they call this “finding oneself.” but, i’m not exactly sure whether that term applies to me or not. i mean, i have a pretty firm grasp of who i am and what i want. but, i guess there’s always been some feelings struggling, aching to break through my cold-hearted exterior.
it didn’t work out for me all that well. i’m hoping 2009 will help speed the process along. i can’t fucking wait till those thoughts and feelings break out of their iron-clad chamber and fly freely, raw and uninhibited.
so a recap of the year (not necessarily in chronological order or in level of importance)
Working at Blockbuster. i’ve dismayed and complained and wondered why over this job so many times that i’m surprised i’m still there. no matter how i feel when i’m at the store, however, it does not alter the fact that the things i’ve learned and the things i’ve seen will continue to resonate with me long after i’ve left this part of my life. more importantly, i think, is the profound effect the friendships and relationships i’ve developed with these people have had on my life. and, in a year where friends was a pretty scarce term, it was like i was a terminally ill patient and they were my IV, my lifeline - slowly but continuously providing me with the energy to move on.
College Adventures. second semester freshman year saw me through a pretty hectic schedule. but, for one of the first times in my life, i was fully and utterly content with just staying where i was - surrounded like a protected cocoon by familiar friends, family, and education. sophomore year saw me through an even more hectic schedule, though i learned to not care so much and trust in my abilities and talents. the friends were not there as much i would have loved but they were still there - consistently and irrevocably. i’m at the precipice of my career path & i’m still not sure whether i should jump or run back as quickly as my exercised-deprived legs can carry me.
Politicos. i was surprised at how strongly and effectively this election season affected me. i was proud to have been a part of a historic and groundbreaking election. once more for 2008, yay Obama & Clinton, boo to the 52% of Californians who voted against equal rights.
Summer ‘08. it doesn’t matter that i worked, went to school, and volunteered practically all summer. all that mattered was that my best friends were back and we went on like they never even left.
I Wanted to Stay 18 Forever. i’m not sure how that would have worked out for me (i’m no e. cullen afterall). i guess i just wanted to grasp on to this pivotal year as long as possible. because 19 meant i was nowhere, once again lost and completely, entirely, heartbreakingly aware of my inexperience.
Film & Music & Literature. i love culture. i love learning. i love art. this year has possibly reawakened my desire and drive for knowledge. i’m reading like crazy and itching to spend hours at my local starbucks typing away on my laptop.
So, there you have it. a snippet of my life this past year. it hasn’t always been tremendously noteworthy and i’ve certainly had my shares of “i hate my life" moments. but, more importantly, if i think about that time my best friends and i went to boomers in early january, or that time i spent with B sitting in a crowded iHop on a friday morning wondering about life, or that time i found myself at a starbucks listening to a friend tell me a secret that would change her entire life, or that time i attempted to jog with A & B down by marina park in the middle of summer, or that time i spent an entire night with my co-workers drinking and talking and taking pictures and enjoying each other’s companies outside the work environment, or that time in august playing touch football in sandy silverwing beach, or that time or this other time. this year was full of little moments worth remembering.
i can only hope 2009 brings with it memories that i can pile into the little box in my head marked “never forget.”
as for hopes and dreams and wishes for 2009. it’s always the same - peace, joy, and, above all, love.
i’m going through my life by cleaning my room. found some long-lost books. found a gift card to starbucks (yes!). i began going through some pictures & birthday cards & started feeling nostalgic.
anyways, i found some old pictures & stuff that i kind of wanted to share so i went on a scanning frenzy (mostly polaroids & pictures taken with a film slr). the products will be posted indiscriminately in the following days.
i woke up at approximately 4:48 p.m. went to get a new haircut, nothing spectacular or innovative, just a trim. dropped some movies off at blockbuster. bought two supreme chalupas (& i don’t regret it one bit no matter what my mom says about wasting the food at home). used a gift card at barnes & nobles cafe to get a venti iced caramel macchiato with extra caramel, of course.
& now debating whether to read or to watch a movie (& what movie, of the 10 million i have lying around my house, that would be).